Well Super Tuesday has come and gone. Despite the media's attempt to concoct competition for the Republican and Democratic presidential races, the primary results landed with a dull thud that squashed any hopes of a thrilling conclusion. Big money, big labor, and the entrenched political establishment won again.
Yet the events of the past two months haven't been devoid of entertaining revelations. For example, we learned that Bob Jones University now allows dating.
We beheld Senator "Our Hero" McCain charge valiantly down to Virginia Beach with a full frontal assault on the Robertson-Falwell holier-than-thou cartel -- a brave deed that won respect but lost votes. He should have listened to a wise country lawyer who once told me, "Never kick a skunk."
So the Republican fatcat shakedown victims can now stop sweating and relax. There's hope for Junior Bush. Indeed there is. Scientists are now growing brain cells in their laboratories.
Over on the Democrat side, Junior Gore is coasting to victory, energized by the debates, swaddled in earth tones, and basking in the glow of his newfound personality. Some of us liked him better without one. Meanwhile, Senator "Heart Murmur" Bradley still doesn't understand why he finished a distant second. And apparently, neither do the media.
Contrived contests or not, the presidential primaries have been a Robin Williams routine compared to the Wayne Newton show that the general election promises to be. The only potential amusement in this circus would be the Reform Party sideshow. With performers like "Goose Step" Buchannan, "All Ears" Perot, and the bald ex-Reformer, ex-wrestler governor of Minnesota, known for his colorful opinions of both, there's at least the chance for momentary diversion.
What's more likely is that pollsters will swarm across the nation, asking questions like, "Would you rather vote for Bush or burn in eternal Hell?" and "Do you prefer Gore or seeing your grandmother starve when her Social Security checks bounce?" The media will gleefully report the results of these vapid efforts, complete with detailed analysis by pundits who can't find their way to the nearest Metro stop without a map and an escort. That's much easier than digging up a real story.
We're also going to hear more about drug-crazed youth on one hand and those poor Buddhist nuns on the other. In between all the sleaze and mud slinging, the two parties will be trying to use our own money, the budget surplus, to buy our votes. The Republicans are offering cash in the form of tax cuts. The Democrats counter with free drugs for the Baby Boomers, when they get old enough for Medicare.
Maybe the baseball season will be interesting.